love, esther ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- self worth apparently, i'm starting over now. i think the worst is over. i had a very bumpy two weeks, but i'm feeling happy again, and acclimated and i have my eye on a far off prize. i'm ready, buckled in, and going to enjoy what i've got because it's worth a lot more than i know. it is like waking up from being blind for 3 years, a little bit. one of my girlfriends described it best-- i need to be single and discover who i am, and what i like again. what is my identity outside of serial monogamism? i already have a few things figured out. i hate overly sarcastic people who are belittling. i hate people who don't let me do things that i want to do. i hate people who make me second guess myself. or turn me against my family, who loves me unconditionally. i don't like people who take me for granted or don't give me the attention i think i work hard to deserve. i don't like it when they pick their friends over me because their friends makes them feel bad for being in a relationship. i want someone who knows that they want a relationship. who knows how to cook and do laundry and will be thankful when i do it for him. i love guys who can stay sober to be DD for me and all our friends when we go out. but he'll still pay for all my drinks, dance with me, and stare at me with those eyes that make me feel special. the kind of guy who i can hang out with and spend the night, and he'll make me grilled cheese sandwiches, let me have a lot of ice cream, stroke my rib cage, and tell me i'm beautiful, but won't actually hit on me because he knows i'm not comfortable with that. i know i'm not. one that understands i'm paranoid, and lets me be. one that trusts me and is supportive and will help me learn to trust no matter how long it takes. one that pays attention to what i say and remembers it in the back of his head. one that will buy me random trinkets cuz he understands that i need gifts to be a tangible example of his love. i like sports. i like football, i like watching baseball even if it's slow paced, and i like drinking at games and heckling. i like boys that let me. i like boys that will take me to the shooting range, or will bring me pizza when i'm at work because i'm craving it, even if they aren't dating me. because i'm fucking worth it. and you know what? several guys in the past week have really made it clear they are interested, stroking my ego, and it makes it all worth it now. that's how i know i'll be okay. because i genuinely feel beautiful and wanted, and they aren't even dating me. i didn't realize how much i missed it. 1:37 am - Tuesday, Sept. 02, 2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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