love, esther ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wandering full circle how deep of thoughts do i feel comfortable writing about in here? no matter how hard i seem to try to shake off the bad taste in my mouth, no matter how hard i try to trust doug, i seem to fall short. i always see one girl or another, no names need be mentioned, and a terrible fire burns in my heart that makes a jealous tiger roar out. it's not fair to him, but really, it just kills me. he reassures me to all ends, tells me all i need to hear, but i just can't shake the feeling. it's pretty strong this weekend, because of where he is. because i'm overthinking and feel like i'm reading way too much into him picking to go camping over coming to dc to see me and jimmy. stupid, i know. he just called, just to say that he loves me. that's the worst part almost, that as soon as i get at the heights of my paranoia, he does something completely out of the blue, so off the radar, that i feel even worse about myself. what, does he have ESP? how did he know to call, or what made him call at the exact moment that I started to psychoanalyze this? i guess there are just times like now, that i miss him terribly, and i want nothing more to drop everything and be with him in person, all the time. i have no idea what the future holds, and it's so hard now that i have a full time job that i love. what if he ends up in boston forever (or as long as "forever") and i'm still in DC? it hurts my heart terribly. for the longest time, i thought our lives were merging in the same direction. i definitely wanted to take a year off no materr what. i thought i wanted to take the lsats. i thought i wanted to go to law school, and i thought it was all happening very conveniently at the same time as doug. now, he wants to stay in boston and i can't help but to think that it won't work out. he said a lot of stuff about the difficulties of long distance relationships, how he doens't know if he can do it. he ended up really truly wanting to give it another chance, but it's hard to look optimistically towards the future when so much pessimism was spilled so abruptly all at once. if we're already having those talks (and even though they always end for the better), what's going to happen by the end of the school year when he knows where he'll be for law school? when he knows where the next 3 years will be? maybe they'll be with me, and it'll be for the better again, but if it isn't? then what? the thing is, deep down, i'm just so freaking happy to even have him, that i don't even think about the future as much as all this worrying makes it sound. truly, i am content knowing that he loves me now, and i love him, because it's been great because of that. i guess it's not really the future that i'm scared of, but the idea of losing the happiness that is now. and maybe that's the answer to the whole problem. i love him so much that i don't want to risk losing him? as an afterthought, it brings up new questions--what lengths would that take me? i mean, if he gave me an ultimatum, would i take it? it's hard to say. i guess i'll leave that for another day, far far off in the future. because life? now? is pretty great. 10:11 pm - Saturday, Oct. 13, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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